Humility is a virtue one should embrace. A low head and a lower heart does not mean loss of pride and face. Rather, it is the practice of controlling the whims and desires and fantasies of one’s self with prevailing logic and calculation. It is a restraint to not let out the ugly beast that is human. Human too, that it may not seem different compared to passion and fervour from the get go. Thus, humility bounds us to our morals and the nature of always wanting to bear well to others and the world.
Alas, men are walking, breathing contradictions. The wants of men always collide and go in separate directions. In the rules that we make for ourselves, we will then find loopholes and break them ourselves. This is the creativity of men. And that creativity is not evil at root. Men do not like to be shackled down by chains, be it physical or metaphorical. Yet at the same time they long for connection to some spiritual plane. Connection that is entailed in the form of binders we tell ourselves aren’t chains. A semblance of logic. A thought of virtue. A right to belong to. And perhaps most, a reason of being. To wander the Earth from birth to death without reason most certainly haunts most men. Those who are not afraid of it are senile, alien to the idea of logic and reason.
And so, most men live their lives wanting to be better. Yet most stop in their tracks and perhaps as compensation, tell themselves that living tomorrow and not dying yesterday is much better than today. Every day passed with just being alive is good enough. And thus, mediocrity dwells in the hearts of men, providing comfort and gross excuses to not pursue what is not yet owned.
Yet, the notion of this mundane way of living, in spite of living it myself most of my life, does not sit well with me. Hence, an idea was born, perhaps out of creativity, perhaps out of desperation. And perhaps most of all, out of wanting reason of being. Due to me being part of the men that I speak of, I too am bound to the conventions of men. The wanting to be better. The comfort of knowing that being alive another day is a blessing and is enough. The contradictions that swirl within the hearts and minds of men. Yes. I too am subject to those contradictions. And in the idea of humility, I found a contradiction.
Being humble is perhaps being most arrogant for men.
I come to the realisation that humility only exist when one knows the value of being over the border which we call humility. Beyond humility are terms like being outspoken the least, and arrogant at best. But the realisation that that value is there, and the idleness that came in the name of staying humble when men can claim higher victories.. isn’t that a form of ignorance? Is that not being arrogant? When we have the power or at least the chance to climb further upwards, we shun it in the name of not wanting to do more than the bare necessary needed to just stay alive. We get comfy with mediocrity, telling ourselves and everyone else that the world is a shitty place, can’t do much about it, deal with it, and move on with mediocrity. When in fact we can make a change. Change need not be glamorous or magnificent. Change can be in little steps. Mini steps, even. Yet we have long been subjected to the idea that change is supposed to be done in such a grandiose manner, it isn’t change if it isn’t done that way. Thus, in the end, we stay the same. Routine. Dull. Yet living.
Such is still in the scope of being humble, yet it reeks of arrogance. To be given the window to change, yet to have the audacity to say no to it. Yet, at the same time, praying to be greeted with a miracle. A dream to come true. A hero to swoop down and save the day. All the daydreaming men could afford, yet they do not want to move their own hands and feet to bring about that miracle, or that dream, or being the hero themselves.
Such is the arrogance of men. And like contradiction, we may never escape it.
2.10 am
6th September 2020
