“I’m twenty-seven, but I don’t feel any smarter than I did twelve years ago.”
-Yukino Yukari, The Garden of Words
The mind is a curious thing. I was watching The Brothers Grimsby when the thought of Leicester came to mind. To be exact, the thought of Abbey Park came as a sudden reminiscence, along with the joyful name ABC Park that me and my brother called it as we were kids. Then, another out-of-nowhere reminiscence sent me halfway across the globe to Shinjuku Gyoen Park and the flick that captured its beauty: The Garden of Words. The Garden of Words is a magnificent film in many ways, but I can’t stop ridiculing it the first time I watched it back in 2013. Quote above for example, said by one of the main characters. I cannot brain the sentence at all. What do you mean you’re not smarter than you used to be? Are you implying that in those twelve years you’re not changing, that you don’t grow as a human being, as an individual? It all came as something hyperbolic to me. Exaggerations, just like most of the scenes in Grimsby. Maybe Baron Cohen is desperate to get out fresh ideas, but that’s another story.
But here in 2016, I find myself thinking the same thing. Oh, the irony! It came to me earlier today even before I watched Grimsby, but it never clicked in my mind that I’ve seen, heard, and ridiculed the exact same words. Only when Abbey Park sprung into mind that the ball got rolling and ended up at that particular quote. I am twenty six years old, and I don’t think I’m better than I was back when I was a form three student, which is twelve years ago. I’m stuck at a standstill, and I’ve been feeling so for the past couple of years or longer, to be frank. It’s only masked by me moving about in the world. It only shadows the fact that I am moving about, but not moving forward. And I hate not moving forward. To me, moving forward doesn’t mean fame or fortune, which if was would make my quest simpler. What am I searching for? Satisfaction, but what kind of satisfaction? Mati puas dan puas mati, is it? But what constitutes them? What could invoke such a high caliber shot into my ego and drown me in the depths of satisfaction and gratification? I don’t know.
And here I am once again at a point in life where I’m lost in transition. I need to leave this station, this undergrad student life, but where to? Postgraduate studies? I’ve been offered so by a good doctor, with a chance of interning with a renown professor in Australia. Or should I delve back into the life of a jobber. Heh, jobber! See what I did there? The instruments of life and civilization has created a warp, or rather, a transition from job seeking to job creating. So I’m not far from right calling the dedicated life of working for your wages a job, in the crude and derogatory sense of jobbing. This generation is full with dreams and ambitions, has grown tired of capitalism, at least capitalism intended to stuff the pockets of the minority elite, and had taken matters into their own hands in the form of start-ups and perseverance wrongly put, undermining the fact that one can and will fail all the time at things that are not intended to be succeeded. And I have undoubtedly fall into the clasp of such ideas too. So what are my other options, if I were not willing to conform to the masses of my generation?
This is the thought that provoked me into thinking that I’m no better than I was twelve years ago. I’m all bark and no bite. And it’s excruciating to admit so, but I have come to the consensus that that is what I really am now. Again, the depths of despair call upon me, and with it a sickly air of depression.
Urgh! I just hope I could get off the grid and find myself in the wilderness. Maybe being lost is what’s truly needed to find one’s self.
5th June 2016