Its midnight, but I have not the strength to sleep yet I do have the urge to write something up. Yes, you do need strength to sleep, or rather the will to do so. Not having some will make you stay up like me, despite in dire need of rest.
I have been rather unwell for the past few days, and today, or yesterday to be precise, was the peak of it, I think. It all started with a sore throat. I had fevers starting from sore throats before, so I was expecting one from the first day. But three days went by and no fever. I thought wow, that’s a first. The first 24 hours of a sore throat is crucial. Whether I’d have a fever or not depends on what I do to my throat in that time. Usually I beat it off by drinking lots and lots of water, warm or hot preferably, and gargle my way out of it with some Listerine or anything of the like. But here I am in Kulim. It’s almost two months since I stayed here, yet I still don’t really like the place. Or I don’t fit in this place, to be precise. I don’t hate this town, I just don’t like it either. I usually get a feel, a nuance of what to expect from a new place that I visit, but Kulim is a stubborn town. It won’t open up to me. The skies are expressive, the air usually calm but at the same time filled with the eagerness of a child wanting to grow up quickly into an adult, the roads all lead to the same place albeit different twists and turns they take, and the people are a mix of friendly, awkward, and playful nature. So, I do not feel like getting out of the house to buy any gargle. Yeah, I blame it on this town, although I’m pretty sure it is not at fault at all. I just tried to beat the sore throat with sheer willpower and a lot of warm water. The sore throat persisted up to this day, or yesterday to be precise, with no signs of developing into anything worse.
But it did. All of a sudden, I was down with fever and chills. Right after I got home and had a bath and gargle some Colgate Plax I bought when I was out for lunch. Really out of nowhere. No gradual signs or symptoms of a fever, just a sudden burst of temperature increase within ten minutes or so. And so started my cycle of in and out of jumble land. My mind started playing tricks on me. I felt like free-falling while I was flat on my bed. Perspective changes ever so sudden, sometimes making me feel as tiny as an ant, sometimes made me feel cramped up in this room. And the incessant coughing, the sneezes that follow those coughs, the throbbing of my head caused by the alternating coughing and sneezing, the phlegm that builds up in my throat that made it itch and hard to breath, and the snot which right now drips like a waterfall as I type here doesn’t help alleviate the situation. I don’t even know if what I’m typing write now is real or not. Is this a dream? I’ll just have to check later to see if this is for real or not.
I should be getting some rest and some sleep, but my head feels like bursting open right now. Sometimes I feel as if im spiralling out of existence. Lying down doesn’t help lessen the pain. I feel like some gigantic jaw is gnawing at my head right now, only thing is that I can’t see it. It’s invisible, and it may as well be a product of my imagination because I just had a marathon of Attack on Titan and because I’m emotionally easily swayed. Only thing that I can think that can lessen the pain right now is writing. Writing is therapeutic. I can’t recall where or when I heard that. Or was it something I read somewhere? Pfft, who cares? Maybe I’m feeling like this because of The Ghosts of Heaven. Such a weird book, yet unlike Kulim, I could easily relate to it, despite not really understanding what it is that the author tried to convey. Maybe that’s what he’s trying to tell us. We can relate with things we don’t fully comprehend. Maybe it’s because in truth we are all alone. Maybe we are all delirious, under the fever, and this life is just a dream, and there are things that connect to each other that we don’t realize, that we can’t comprehend.
I really should be getting some rest.