Jika


Jika, pada saat itu, aku hulurkan tanganku kepadanya, atau aku mendapat keberanian untuk memeluknya dari belakang, sambil memujuk dengan kata-kata “sabar, semuanya ujian, dan ujian ini wujud untuk menjadikan kita insan yang lebih kuat di kemudian hari”, apakah yang akan terjadi kepadaku kini? Apakah yang akan merentet selepas saat itu kepada kami berdua? Apakah kami akan menjadi makin akrab, atau apakah keakraban itu akan pecah dengan perasaan cemas dan kecamuk benci dan amarah?

Aku, sejujurnya dan seikhlasnya, tidak tahu.

Jika, beberapa tahun sebelum itu, aku tidak memutuskan untuk menurut kata-kata ibuku lalu membiarkan diri dan hati larut dalam sarat kekecewaan, apakah kita masih tidak akan bertemu? Apakah bibit perasaan ini akan terkambus langsung, takkan ada peluang langsung? Dan apakah kita akan membawa haluan masing-masing? Dua orang yang cukup dewasa, yang masih kebudak-budakan, yang kekok dalam cara masing-masing. Apakah arus takdir akan membawa kita hanyut ke pantai yang berbeza, atau apakah ia tetap akan membawa kita ke laut yang sama? Itu pun, aku tidak tahu.

Apa yang aku dan kau tahu dan boleh ambil sebagai iktibar, semuanya sudah termaktub dalam lipatan sejarah. Analisa hanya boleh dibuat secara retrospektif, dan kekecewaan yang menyusup bersama dapatan analisa itu harapnya akan membantu kita untuk menjadi lebih matang, lebih “dewasa” dan makin kurang “budak”. Tetapi sakit itu tetap akan ada. Walau bagaimana kau dan aku mahu putarkan fakta dan hakikat, sakit itu tetap akan ada di sini. Ia mungkin akan surut bersama masa, ia mungkin akan membatu bersama masa, tetapi yang pasti ia tetap ada. Dan harapnya kita memaafkan diri masing-masing kerana kekhilafan kita yang lampau.

Jika aku tak pernah berkenalan denganmu, dan kau tak pernah berkenalan denganku, apakah seyuman yang lebih lebar akan merias wajah kita, atau apakah tangisan sendu yang lagi syahdu akan menemani kita pada malam-malam yang mendatang? Kita manusia, tak punya pandangan ke masa hadapan. Maka sejujurnya dan seikhlasnya kita takkan pernah tahu apa yang masa depan kandungkan untuk kita. Apa yang masa depan akan eramkan untuk kita, dan bila pula masanya segala yang tersurat itu akan dilahirkan dan dalam bentuk apa ia akan dizahirkan kepada kita. Kita hanya mampu berdoa.. adalah harapan yang teramat palsu dan teramat pemalas, dan aku benci apabila ahli keluargaku dan keluargamu, keluarga kita berdua katakan begitu. Kerana secara tepatnya kita bukan sahaja mampu berdoa, tetapi kita juga mampu berusaha. Ke manakah perginya penekanan terhadap usaha itu? Mengapakah doa yang dipersalahkan apabila segalanya tidak terjadi seperti yang telah dirancang? Memang benarlah, manusia ini hidupan yang tidak pernah bersyukur.

Dan apabila kita sudah berusaha sehabis baik tetapi masih tidak mendapat hasil yang kita impikan, apakah usaha itu sia-sia? Mulutmu berkata tidak, tetapi matamu mengkhianati niat baikmu. Kerana dalam sinarnya, ia telah meluahkan fikiran sebenar yang terbuku dalam hatimu. Ya, usaha kita berdua sia-sia. Itulah yang diucapkan oleh bolak-balik anak matamu, dalam sinarnya yang merundum, dalam air yang terkandung, dan dalam sarat berat pandangan yang dilemparkannya. Ingin sangat aku memeluk dirimu dan berkata tidak mengapa, kita cuba lagi, dan lagi, lagi, tetapi tak tergamak jiwaku berbuat demikian. Ini bukan salah siapa-siapa melainkan kita berdua. Aku memegang separuh bebanan kesalahan ini, engkau separuh yang lain. Maka aku tak layak memujuk dirimu, kerana salah itu sebahagiannya milik aku.

Jika semua ini berakhir suatu hari nanti. ingin aku genggam semula tanganmu, usap semula rambutmu, kucup semula dahimu, dan mulakan segalanya sekali lagi. Kita tak mungkin akan bermula dengan kanvas suci, tetapi sekurang-kurangnya kita akan belajar berdiri semula, bertatih setempat dan kemudian berjalan seiringan. Sekali lagi. Bersama-sama. Dan kali ini, biar pengalaman yang mendewasakan jadikan kita kelasi yang lebih baik mengatur-suai laluan bahtera ini meredah lautan kehidupan serba haru-biru.

“Sayang itu boleh dipupuk, ditanam, dijaga, dan dibesarkan semula, tetapi masa depan yang baharu takkan pernah boleh dibeli”

-Hafis Jasni, 2015

 

12.37 am

24 Ogos 2018

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Jika

Teratak


Kerdip, mengerdip matamu lekat,

Empat suku pagi, jiwamu sarat

.

Minda melayar bahtera kesunyian,

Angkuhnya ego minta diutamakan,

Nafsu melara mengaut segalanya,

Angan tergantung tanpa sudahnya

.

Sisipkan impi dalam perbuatanmu,

Empat ayat lagi, empat berlalu,

Menulislah dikau walau tak mampu,

Usah dihirau berat beban bahu,

Agar cerita ini kan ke penghujungnya,

Niatkan saja, biar berlabuh di dalam hati,

Yakinkan saja, biar bertaut di hujung jemari,

Akan pena menitiskan dakwat pada kertas suci

.

Menaiplah dikau, biar tak sempurna,

Enggani tamak hati yang memilih,

Nukilkan terus tanpa was dan prasangka,

Gagahkan jiwa bergaduh dengan minda,

Hilangkan “nanti” bibit prokrastinasi,

Ingkari rasa kosong yang membenci,

Lalu menapaklah dikau mencari erti,

Aksara biar berpusing, berpuing, berputing beliung,

Nun di situ mungkin ketemu damai,

Gemersik berbisik teratak hati yang permai.

 

4.24 am

11 Ogos 2018

Teratak

Pendosa Kelana


Pendosa kelana,

Minta jangan disalaherti,

“Ini semua perjuangan peribadi”,

“Ini atas nama hak asasi”,

“Ini semua masa depan kita”,

Ini semua kata dustanya.

 

Pendusta kelana,

Menjaja cerita tak perlu mengembara,

Cukup sekadar melayar arus maya,

Cukup sekadar beri retorik dan falasi,

Cukup punya niat dan juga peminat.

 

Peminat kelana,

Minatnya berlari dari satu ke satu,

Apa yang terbaru di FB dan IG dia buru,

Api memercik semboyan bertalu,

Dan dia ingin di situ di tengah gerakan baru.

 

Pembenar kelana,

Tak punya peminat,

Tak punya tempat,

Dihindik ditindas,

Diracik tempias,

Digomoli peminat yang ‘in’,

Diseteru pendusta yang ‘on’,

Diketawa pendosa yang memimpin,

Dilupa kita yang sekadar menjeling.

 

7.39pm

13 Julai 2018

Pendosa Kelana

KL, I’m back (and I hate it)


KL, I’m back

into your embrace of chaos,

And lights too bright,

And streets too packed,

Even the flight to you

is way too cramped,

And the scent of you

a reminder of smog and deceit,

The sight of you under

like a land shrouded in mystery,

When the only mystery you hold

is if tomorrow’ll be chaotic or obnoxious.

 

KL, I’m back

into your embrace of whatevers,

And lingering hope of a better,

And lingering will to push forward

into whatever day better.

 

8.10pm

16th June 2018

KL, I’m back (and I hate it)

Of death and reconciliation


The night is dark and full of terrors, or so said a certain red priestess from a certain tv series. And on a certain night, there’s a me who had a fight over the phone with a stranger. A stalker of sorts, he kept calling the hospital to get in touch with a colleague whilst she’s not even here. An annoyance long persisted, my head blew the moment I had the chance to let it off onto the appropriate person, the one causing us much unease as we almost doze off after supplying meds to the wards past every midnight. Distraught (or even offended) by my high voice, the guy started swearing, while my own hands shook with anger as I listen to him rampaging through all the swear words that he could find in his vocabulary. However, in the midst of getting punched and releasing my own fuck-free howlings, I started to find the whole commotion comedic. A string of wry laughs crept past my mouth, and in no time, I was laughing out loud into the receiver, while he incessantly asked me why I am doing so. Unable to get a satisfactory answer, he turned towards calling me bapuk, “and your dad must be a bapuk too”. And that only pushed me towards laughing harder. What kind of sane growned-up man calls out another guy and his dad just because you can’t get to that guy? While I was enjoying the hilarity, he fumed too hard and offed the call just like that. And that mad me laugh even harder.

In my laughter though, a little quiver of regret echoed inside my heart. This stalker guy is, according to the colleague, her ex-boyfriend. Fate took a turn, and they both got married to different spouses. While she enjoys and cherish her family life, he had tumbles in his marriage. Perhaps reminiscing their good ol’ time together, he wanted to get back with her. Him, a married guy, with her, a married lady. Perhaps he felt cornered by the whole world and she his only salvation. Perhaps. I’m no mind reader nor an expert of hearts, but my deduction based on his desperation to get in touch with her only proves so. Or at least hinted towards that notion.

And that is what’s most regretable to me.

Reason is long dead in this guy’s head, or heart, or wherever it’s supposed to be. Should you find yourself troubled, the correct route to take is to solve it, not splatter it on some other person or persons. His decision to get consoled by her is just making the puddle bigger and deeper. Yet I can only say that here, for I too know that solving a problem is far easier said than done. Should I end up in his shoes, will I have the willpower to move on, or would I take fleet in his steps too? I surely hope not, but tendencies do show up in my character of too much pondering on stuff long past. So here I pray the day of letting reason die in me will only come the day death accepts me into its cold embrace. Please God, do not let me trudge down his path.

An hour and half later, he called again, asking the same question of her whereabouts, and coincidently, even with a one out of three chance, I was the one who answered, again. Recognizing my voice, he said “oh, you’re still there”, to which I spontaneously answered ofcourse I’m still here, I’m working right now. A sigh after, he started apologizing for his behaviour the call prior. Still giggling, I said I am too, for raising my voice. He started rambling about life problems, and I just lend an ear (you think this is the Befrienders or something?). After a couple dozen apologies, justifications and enforcement of reasons for his actions, and pleas of empathy later, he said that he hopes I do not get into a tricky relationship bullshit like his. We are all human beings with our own set of problems. I hope problems on your side will be settled before long, sir- was what I said at the end, to which he said thank you and goodnight. Putting the receiver down, I laughed again while my colleagues watch on bewildered. This time, I’m laughing not only out of amusement, but also out of relief. In his pressured state, he still has the courtesy to admit his faults and even more so, to apologize for it. And to that, I give you my full unadulterated respect.

To you the stranger on the other end of the line, I hope you find solace at the end of your grief, to end your grief. I really do. And when that moment comes, whenever it comes, I hope you’d reconcile with fate and the world. May you find your own happiness. Amen.

5.52 am

13th June 2018

Of death and reconciliation

But not for me


Those eyes, those laughter,

That sweet, sweet smile.

 

The merry thoughts together,

Those feel good vibes.

 

The reasons for rain inside your heart,

Are the same for what’s causing mine.

 

The melodies you sang in tune to them,

And the dance you flutter to their grace and whim.

 

It was never meant for me,

It was never meant for me.

 

And so we chase those elusive tails,

In a circle of misses and regrets,

Till the end, happiness we did not find,

We are alone,

You and I,

We are alone.

 

And so we chase those elusive tails,

I hope your eyes turn towards me

like how you hope his turn to you,

Till the end, I pray happiness will find itself to you,

Though not for me,

You and I,

Perhaps may never be.

 

Even if it’s not for me,

I pray that you will be happy.

6.20 am

28th May 2018

But not for me

Passing through your bedroom


Passing through your bedroom

in the twilight hours of day,

While the sun crept over the city,

I tip-toed pass your bed,

A slab of reinforced concrete

in a tunnel beneath the road,

You sleep so soundly in the howlings

of motorcars above.

 

Then I wonder..

 

Do you also dream in slumber,

Or are you dead as a log?

Do you also have regrets

haunting you in slumber’s lost?

Do you dream about the stars

or just for a roof above your head?

Do you worry about work like me,

Or just wished you had it to worry?

 

Passing through your bedroom

in the twilight hours of day,

I pray the day be well to you,

And I ought you pray the same.

 

6.50 am

26th April 2018

Passing through your bedroom