Pendosa Kelana

Pendosa kelana,

Minta jangan disalaherti,

“Ini semua perjuangan peribadi”,

“Ini atas nama hak asasi”,

“Ini semua masa depan kita”,

Ini semua kata dustanya.


Pendusta kelana,

Menjaja cerita tak perlu mengembara,

Cukup sekadar melayar arus maya,

Cukup sekadar beri retorik dan falasi,

Cukup punya niat dan juga peminat.


Peminat kelana,

Minatnya berlari dari satu ke satu,

Apa yang terbaru di FB dan IG dia buru,

Api memercik semboyan bertalu,

Dan dia ingin di situ di tengah gerakan baru.


Pembenar kelana,

Tak punya peminat,

Tak punya tempat,

Dihindik ditindas,

Diracik tempias,

Digomoli peminat yang ‘in’,

Diseteru pendusta yang ‘on’,

Diketawa pendosa yang memimpin,

Dilupa kita yang sekadar menjeling.



13 Julai 2018

Pendosa Kelana

KL, I’m back (and I hate it)

KL, I’m back

into your embrace of chaos,

And lights too bright,

And streets too packed,

Even the flight to you

is way too cramped,

And the scent of you

a reminder of smog and deceit,

The sight of you under

like a land shrouded in mystery,

When the only mystery you hold

is if tomorrow’ll be chaotic or obnoxious.


KL, I’m back

into your embrace of whatevers,

And lingering hope of a better,

And lingering will to push forward

into whatever day better.



16th June 2018

KL, I’m back (and I hate it)

Of death and reconciliation

The night is dark and full of terrors, or so said a certain red priestess from a certain tv series. And on a certain night, there’s a me who had a fight over the phone with a stranger. A stalker of sorts, he kept calling the hospital to get in touch with a colleague whilst she’s not even here. An annoyance long persisted, my head blew the moment I had the chance to let it off onto the appropriate person, the one causing us much unease as we almost doze off after supplying meds to the wards past every midnight. Distraught (or even offended) by my high voice, the guy started swearing, while my own hands shook with anger as I listen to him rampaging through all the swear words that he could find in his vocabulary. However, in the midst of getting punched and releasing my own fuck-free howlings, I started to find the whole commotion comedic. A string of wry laughs crept past my mouth, and in no time, I was laughing out loud into the receiver, while he incessantly asked me why I am doing so. Unable to get a satisfactory answer, he turned towards calling me bapuk, “and your dad must be a bapuk too”. And that only pushed me towards laughing harder. What kind of sane growned-up man calls out another guy and his dad just because you can’t get to that guy? While I was enjoying the hilarity, he fumed too hard and offed the call just like that. And that mad me laugh even harder.

In my laughter though, a little quiver of regret echoed inside my heart. This stalker guy is, according to the colleague, her ex-boyfriend. Fate took a turn, and they both got married to different spouses. While she enjoys and cherish her family life, he had tumbles in his marriage. Perhaps reminiscing their good ol’ time together, he wanted to get back with her. Him, a married guy, with her, a married lady. Perhaps he felt cornered by the whole world and she his only salvation. Perhaps. I’m no mind reader nor an expert of hearts, but my deduction based on his desperation to get in touch with her only proves so. Or at least hinted towards that notion.

And that is what’s most regretable to me.

Reason is long dead in this guy’s head, or heart, or wherever it’s supposed to be. Should you find yourself troubled, the correct route to take is to solve it, not splatter it on some other person or persons. His decision to get consoled by her is just making the puddle bigger and deeper. Yet I can only say that here, for I too know that solving a problem is far easier said than done. Should I end up in his shoes, will I have the willpower to move on, or would I take fleet in his steps too? I surely hope not, but tendencies do show up in my character of too much pondering on stuff long past. So here I pray the day of letting reason die in me will only come the day death accepts me into its cold embrace. Please God, do not let me trudge down his path.

An hour and half later, he called again, asking the same question of her whereabouts, and coincidently, even with a one out of three chance, I was the one who answered, again. Recognizing my voice, he said “oh, you’re still there”, to which I spontaneously answered ofcourse I’m still here, I’m working right now. A sigh after, he started apologizing for his behaviour the call prior. Still giggling, I said I am too, for raising my voice. He started rambling about life problems, and I just lend an ear (you think this is the Befrienders or something?). After a couple dozen apologies, justifications and enforcement of reasons for his actions, and pleas of empathy later, he said that he hopes I do not get into a tricky relationship bullshit like his. We are all human beings with our own set of problems. I hope problems on your side will be settled before long, sir- was what I said at the end, to which he said thank you and goodnight. Putting the receiver down, I laughed again while my colleagues watch on bewildered. This time, I’m laughing not only out of amusement, but also out of relief. In his pressured state, he still has the courtesy to admit his faults and even more so, to apologize for it. And to that, I give you my full unadulterated respect.

To you the stranger on the other end of the line, I hope you find solace at the end of your grief, to end your grief. I really do. And when that moment comes, whenever it comes, I hope you’d reconcile with fate and the world. May you find your own happiness. Amen.

5.52 am

13th June 2018

Of death and reconciliation

But not for me

Those eyes, those laughter,

That sweet, sweet smile.


The merry thoughts together,

Those feel good vibes.


The reasons for rain inside your heart,

Are the same for what’s causing mine.


The melodies you sang in tune to them,

And the dance you flutter to their grace and whim.


It was never meant for me,

It was never meant for me.


And so we chase those elusive tails,

In a circle of misses and regrets,

Till the end, happiness we did not find,

We are alone,

You and I,

We are alone.


And so we chase those elusive tails,

I hope your eyes turn towards me

like how you hope his turn to you,

Till the end, I pray happiness will find itself to you,

Though not for me,

You and I,

Perhaps may never be.


Even if it’s not for me,

I pray that you will be happy.

6.20 am

28th May 2018

But not for me

Passing through your bedroom

Passing through your bedroom

in the twilight hours of day,

While the sun crept over the city,

I tip-toed pass your bed,

A slab of reinforced concrete

in a tunnel beneath the road,

You sleep so soundly in the howlings

of motorcars above.


Then I wonder..


Do you also dream in slumber,

Or are you dead as a log?

Do you also have regrets

haunting you in slumber’s lost?

Do you dream about the stars

or just for a roof above your head?

Do you worry about work like me,

Or just wished you had it to worry?


Passing through your bedroom

in the twilight hours of day,

I pray the day be well to you,

And I ought you pray the same.


6.50 am

26th April 2018

Passing through your bedroom

Suatu hari aku akan pergi

Suatu hari aku akan pergi

ke tempat di mana kita semua dinanti,

Di mana ideal merapuh dan jiwa meluluh,

Manakala bayang membentuk meraung angkuh.


Sesekali kita ingin rasa hari yang berlalu,

Pejam mata dan pohon dibawa ke masa itu,

Takdir kan menyelamat, kau sangka,

Takdir membelakangimu, kau duga.


Ingin kulihat sejauh mana mampu kau pergi

bolosi dinding yang tinggi dan berlapis-lapis,

Ingin kulihat sejauh mana mampu kau harungi

dawai berduri dan tarikan graviti,

Ingin kuduga kau mampu ke penghujung jalan

menongkah lepasi asid dan gelap malam,

Ingin kutiba di sana juga

dunia sempurna yang kita impikan.


Suatu hari aku akan pergi

ke tempat di mana kita semua dinanti,

Bukan di tanah enam kaki dalam,

Malahan bukan di selitan langit berjuta bintang,

Bukan di layar putih semerbak suci,

Atau di pelusuk hitam hati bergaul benci,

Tempat itu memanggil aku duluan,

Selamat bertemu lagi

wahai teman seperjuangan.


2.56 am

28 April 2018

Suatu hari aku akan pergi

Kepada Biru Tua dan Biru Muda dan seluruh semesta

The Place Promised In Our Early Days (2004).mkv_snapshot_01.29.51_[2017.01.05_16.55.25]

Kepada biru tua dan biru muda dan seluruh semesta,

Kepada langit jingga di penghujung senja,

Kepada hijau rumput dan lumut dan muntah,

Kepada kelabu dunia, metaforikal dan harafiah,

Kepada warna-warni remaja dan naif semangat berkobar-kobar,

Kepada warna-warna pelangi di kala petang yang dingin,

Kepada prisma yang menyedarkan kesatuan dan perpecahan,

Kepadamu yang kucinta tetapi takkan kukata,

Terima kasih semua,

Terima kasih semua.


7.01 pm

20 April 2018


Nota: Gambar diambil dari penghujung filem The Place Promised in Our Early Days (Kumo no Muko, Yakusoku no Basho) hanya sekadar hiasan. Ataukah bukan? Entahlah.

Kepada Biru Tua dan Biru Muda dan seluruh semesta